My 50th Birthday…Stream of Thoughts

My 50th birthday will be here in less than six months and that’s cool, because 50 is one of those milestone numbers. I was thinking that maybe I should have a big bash. Then I remembered that parties are overwhelming for this introvert. Additionally, if all the people I know and would like to invite actually showed up, it would be extra stressful because some folks I haven’t seen in more than five, ten, years. That’s a lot of catching up try to do.

I had this idea that in the run up to my fiftieth I would try to schedule a coffee date every week with a person I hadn’t seen in years to try to catch up, so when I invite them to the big bash, it wouldn’t be so weird and stressful. Then I got a job and got too busy with that and planning trips. Plus I remembered that several of my efforts to reach out to people I miss fell flat and they never reached back.

I know so many people from so many different communities, and part of me wonders how that would work in a party format? Probably pretty nutty, like the time I invited both Sunni and Shi’a Muslimahs to a party and when the former wanted to put on music and dance, the latter all picked up and left. How would my alcohol-avoiding friends deal with a party where some people are heavily into drinking, for example?

Then I found out my birthday is happening during this year’s Critical NW camping trip. My first reaction to that was to see if maybe I could make up an excuse to not go and attend a Buddhist retreat instead. I think I have talked myself out of that plan. But I’m not sure how I feel about celebrating my birthday with only one my communities. In the end I will probably use my birthday as an excuse to show up late to Critical, after I get that 1/2 price spa entry fee from Olympus Spa. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Then maybe there will be a surprise party waiting for me, because I hate surprises, but if I drop a hint about it online six months before, maybe I can have a non-surprise Surprise Party.

My new favorite emoji



Poem from the Vault: In a shell, beside you

In a shell, beside you


this echoing


my fright-filled

clenching hands

around my

legs make me as round

as the egg beside me

on the floor

below four trembling


the sound booms, shaking me,

surrounds my hollow hell

as I face inward.

The egg beside me

trembles contentedly


The booming walls move


and choke my words,

drown out my

burstingly incomplete roundness.

Tears divide my face,

as I fight

the urge to crumble.

The threatening world is

within me

and I cannot be

without it.

Dealing with Uneasiness

Are you familiar with the vague feeling of angst and anxiety that you might feel after getting a bit of bad news, or being nervous how another person will respond to a difficult situation? You try to live your life as usual, but something in the background doesnโ€™t feel right. What do you do?

An angst-filled flower.

An angst-filled flower.

Recently I had this problem. And I watched myself deal with the unease. I saw myself look for distraction on social media. I felt the urge to play a video game (urge resisted). I found myself in a yarn store browsing (aka, retail therapy) but managed to buy nothing. I knitted, which calm me enough to think, โ€œI should write about this.โ€ And then I sat down to write, which is another way I offload tension.

But I learned a new way to cope today. As I walked down the street I wished for the people around me โ€“ strangers, all โ€“ to have happiness, peace and love. I do this sometimes anyway, but today I noticed that wishing others peace made me feel more peaceful as well.

I offer this suggestion, with the hope it might help you some day.